am feeling a bit better now. well, i think, i know why i had been unhappy. 1) i have a lot of emotional burdens with me. as some of you know that since young, i had been suffering mentally due to family problems and since sec three, i had been really down due to financial problems because dad was retrenched. well, that incident turned me into a more independent angie but little do people know that the stress is building up within me. and actually, there are problems going on between my parents. that explains why i used to have phobias in relationships and even marriage.

2) as i grew up, i've seen how cruel the real world is. friendships broken up, and i even lose some friends, for good. but anyway, as i said, if i decided to give up on a relationship with friends, i will never turn back. because i know, unless the friend had hurt me to the extreme, if not, i will really forgive and really forget. ask the person, how many times i had forgiven her. ask her how many lies she told me. ask her what had she done. but it doesnt matter. since i made the decision almost 5 years back, i will never turn back. okays. i know it's too early to speculate. i might just be soft hearted and give in. but, for the time being, i shall say no. i will not let myself get hurt by her again.

3) as i am being exposed to the real world. the first challenge was when i am in venus beauty. i was all alone facing those complete strangers. i have to admit that there are some nice people there. but i have to say that the people who bullied and even teased my chinese name, just fuck off. i am no longer the her who just stand there and not retaliate. in case you guys dont know, my chinese name is 乐思。the people there will say, 快乐到死掉. i know it's nothing to some of you. but i just dont like it when people tease my name in a wrong way. (in this case, i hate the word, 死. there is also another incident but i dont wish to mention much. i am just glad that i left that place within 2 days and never turn back again. the person really made me so upset that i cried during the last 2 days of 2005.

as i successfully got into K Box till now. i've seen how people had backstabbed each other. and no doubt, a lot of people are pinning high hopes in me. they expect me to lead at times, expect me to push a lot of side orders. anyway, i am tired of all these. as what people love to say, i am just a part timer. isnt it unfair when i am ordered to do stuff you guys dont like to do? fine. even if you did not order me to do it, you ordered the newbies to do it. i mean, yes, they learnt. but as time goes by, do you think this is what they deserve only?

4) ever since i got into NORMAL ACADEMIC STREAM, i was extremely demoralized because the man who said he will never look down on me even if i got into NA, actually doesnt mean what he had said in his heart. one day, he said that i was not hardworking and it was such a letdown that i got into NA stream. at that moment, i wonder. do you guys know anything? i lost a dear friend during that period. a very best friend of mine. do you know how depressed i am to witness the process of losing her?

people around me looked down on me especially some of the neighbours. i was wondering, why do parents love to use their children's result as a comparison in how bright the child is? bullshit right. poor children suffer due to comparisons. i do not even care whether i do well or not when i was in sec one and two. until one day, someone came into my life, made a difference in my mentality. (: its you, MS SHARON YEE. she motivated me and i score extremely well. since then, i had been doing very well. i am proud of my results especially N and O Levels. and i strived all the way just to get into TP.

motivation was lost and i once told myself, i dont even bother to go university. and till now, i know, i did regret. because i know school days are just the best. i dont know whether i am going to university for the sake of studying or just to delay time. anyway, it doesnt matter if i am going into university. because i have to face the reality sooner or later. and now, freaking projects are piling. the most projects i ever had. and since internship, i had been very stressed up till now. from march till now. i dont know how i survive.

my emotions went up and down like a roller coaster and i know, the one who suffered most is him. and adding on, my niece is at home. so, as she cried, i feel very irritated. guess, i am down with mild depression. been down with depression after my O levels. i dont want it to happen again. but i did experience once during august this year. i dreamt of ebi fry walking, dreamt of me pushing those stupid photos and even jugs of beer. oh my god.

yeah. this is a long entry and my sincere apologies if i bore you all to the max. i am not trying to gain any sympathy. you all know i dont like sympathy but the care from the bottom of heart. i know there's a lot of people who cares.. but thanks.

i only know, by typing this post, i am confessing why i had been unhappy and i am trying to let the emotion burden off. with loves, angie promise that 2009 shall be a new start. and dear qing ai de, if you happen to read this, i hope happiness is all yours. (: